Our Daughter Tamar

So Tamar remained, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom's house.

When King David heard of all of these things, he became very angry,

But he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.

-2 Samuel 13: 20b-21 (NRSV)

I understand if you have never heard a sermon in church or a Sunday School lesson about Tamar. There are actually several Tamars in the Bible and their stories collectively explain why nobody names their daughter Tamar.  The first Tamar we run across is way back in Genesis, and she is a very unlucky lady indeed, she keeps marrying sons of Judah and God keeps striking them dead, because they refuse to do their proper duty and give Tamar a child, which would then be the rightful heir of their oldest brother, Tamar's first husband. They refuse to do this by "spilling their seed," which they taught us in health class is not reliable birth control, but in this case it works, and despite having "married" multiple brothers Tamar remains childless and deprived of justice.  This Tamar though, despite being definitely a victim of an unjust system actually uses the lust and lechery of men to her advantage in the end. She poses as a prostitute (yes, this story is in the Bible, look it up: Genesis 38), in order to actually get pregnant by Judah, her father-in-law thus circumventing all the injustice of Judah's sons and getting the heir that was rightfully hers.

Icky right? But not nearly as icky as what happens to David's daughter Tamar.  Tamar is raped by her half brother Amnon, and if you want some heart-breaking dialogue read 2 Samuel 13, where Tamar begs Amnon not to rape her and instead tries to convince him to just ask David for her to be his wife.  He doesn't listen.  Afterwards, he is filled with disgust at her and sends her away.  Again, she begs him not to do that, let that sink in, she begs the man who just raped her not to send her away.  He does not listen.

Absalom, Tamar's all the way brother, finds out what Amnon and comforts his sister and takes her in.  This is where the story gets really fun.  David finds out, and is angry, but he doesn't do anything because Amnon is his firstborn.  Absalom plays his cards close to the vest, but soon he takes justice into his own hands and murders Amnon.  You might think that murdering your half brother is a bad thing, but given the circumstances I'm pretty okay with what Absalom did.  In fact, I think Absalom is probably the only one of David's sons that ought to really get some serious respect.  Not just because he took out a despicable rapist, but because he proceeded to go all John Wick on David himself for being such an enabling toad.

Eventually Absalom meets the same fate as Sonny Corleone, but only because David's primary hitter is a seriously bad man named Joab who decides not to follow the weak kneed order of the King to not hurt the lad, and decapitates Absalom while he's hung up in a tree. Through this entire narrative, the women who suffer sexual violence are just props to illustrate apparently how crappy men can be to women and to each other (David's concubines take some abuse at Absalom's hands, so he doesn't get to stay any sort of feminist hero).

Which brings me to the significance of #metoo, as a historical moment. It's really no secret that women have been used and abused in this sort of way going back to the beginning. The only time that it actually gets mentioned specifically though is when it impacts the narrative arcs of the men, whether it is brothers avenging the rape of a sister, or explaining an anomalous jump in the inheritance chain.  In other words, the only thing that gave the suffering of the women in these stories relevance was the way in which it effected the behavior of men.  You would think it is long past time for that to change, but we're still having the discussion aren't we?  We're still trying to decide the implications of women deciding that they would rather not be used in the way they have historically been used.  Our collective response is muddled; we still have a lot of David's reticence to punish Amnon, and we are not entirely lacking Absalom's chauvinist craving for vengeance.

I think probably the best response is to start by simply listening to Tamar, believing Tamar, comforting Tamar, weeping with Tamar and ultimately repenting of the role we have had in creating and protecting the Amnon's of the world. I think we should also restrain our inner Absaloms as well.  We need to recognize that the Victorian impulse to treat purity and virginity as some sort of sacred virtue to be defended at all costs is a powerful tool to keep Tamar quiet and desolate in her brother's house.  It is the reason why she begged her rapist not to send her away, because she feared the shame and the response more than the sexual violence itself.

Also, as an aside, read your Bible, and not just the comfy parts.