Now, Apparently, Is the Time for Your Tears

It's been like a car accident in slow motion, but the other shoe finally dropped.  TMZ finally got their hands on the other half of the security video of the Ray Rice elevator incident.  For those of you who have been willfully ignoring the whole scenario, here's what happened:
1. Baltimore Raven's running back Ray Rice and his then fiance got into an argument in an Atlantic City Casino sometime last winter, they boarded an elevator in the midst of said argument.  Moments later Mr. Rice exited the elevator by dragging his now unconscious girlfriend into the lobby.
People had several imaginary narratives about what transpired in that elevator, and as long as we didn't really know we were inclined to give the, rich, famous and talented Mr. Rice the benefit of the the doubt, at least a little.
2. The public response to seeing the video from outside the elevator, them getting on and dragging/being dragged off, was mixed to say the least.  The benefit of the doubt people believed some sort of version of: "we were having an argument, things got heated, pushy-shovey stuff happened, bam she hit her head, terrible accident really, so sorry."  This was essentially supported by the young woman in question, and therefore, everyone, from the press to the NFL thought some anger management classes and a slap on the wrist would do Mr. Rice just fine.
3. Then the people who actually know something about domestic violence began to call shenanigans on the whole scene.  When the Commissioner of the NFL gave Rice a two game suspension and a stern talking to, based on his contrition and the corroboration of his now wife, social workers everywhere collectively gnashed their teeth, because anyone familiar with the peculiar beast that is domestic violence, knew in an instant that the narrative Goodell, the NFL and ESPN were swallowing hook, line and sinker was total BS.
4. The NFL, in the person of Mr. Goodell, realized that they had a public relations nightmare on their hands, because their players seem to find themselves up a domestic battery charge crick without a paddle about every other week, and mostly the League responds with very light penalties indeed.  Most of the time there is plausible doubt, we know things get intense in intimate relationships and these men are conditioned, from the time they're about 12 or so, to harness violence and aggression to perform amazing athletic feats.  It's reasonable to expect that a man like Ray Rice who makes a living by fighting off people who are trying to tackle him, might give a stiff arm to his 120 lb girlfriend in a heated moment, with some unexpected results.  But still, we can't be seen as too lenient on this sort of thing, so more stringent rules were put in place.

Phew, crisis averted right?

Well, not so much.  The other half of the video shows domestic violence for exactly what it is: brutality.  You see Rice and his girl arguing, you don't know over what.  He is hulking and obviously angry, she is also upset about something.  They get on the elevator and you cut to the inside camera, she takes one step towards him and he unloads on her face and she goes down like a sack of bricks.  This is shocking to people who have no firsthand experience with violence, they expect some dramatic scene, some lead up, a few volleys of shoving, perhaps a few well placed slaps from the feisty little lady.  What it was was just a 235 pound athlete, who is absolutely menacing physically, punching a woman in the face, suddenly, with no prelude or warning, just flat out knocking her senseless.  What did you think it was going to look like?
That's a real question, what do you think domestic violence looks like?
If this wasn't such a deadly serious thing, the reaction from the talking heads would be laughable.  Now there's all sorts of highly affected outrage, now it's serious, now he deserves to be terminated and kicked out of the league, now he's a monster.
But I can't help but think we're all a bit monstrous in taking this long to understand that we should be outraged and appalled by the whole situation.
Why does it take a video?
Why do we have to see him throw the punch, and her go down like that to believe that there is no excuse?
Why do we still continue to believe the victims when they tell us that it's okay, that he didn't mean it, that he'll never do it again, that they probably deserved it?
We shouldn't need video to prove that domestic violence is a big problem.
The bruises on her face and arms should be enough.
The cowed posture and averted eyes should tell us all we need to know.
The thin excuses should no longer deflect an attempt at justice.
She shouldn't have to be the perfect person for the law to protect her from getting knocked out on an elevator, or anywhere else.
Violence against women and girls is a global epidemic, but here we have a highly visible example of a sort that occurs under most of our noses: physical abuse by a spouse or significant other.  We can do better than this people.  Let's stop sticking our heads in the sand and making excuses.  Let's start teaching our sons, whether they play running back or whether they play the piccolo, it's not okay to hit people (not just women, anyone).  We need to deal with our cultural assumption that violence is the solution to everything and that it's essentially unavoidable and therefore just an expected fact of life.
It is not unavoidable, and it should never be considered inevitable.
Several of the ESPN talking heads said yesterday afternoon, "just imagine that was your daughter," as they worked up a good self-righteous froth.  My question is then, why was it not their daughter when she was being dragged unconscious from that elevator?  Why did they need to see fist hit face for their empathy to be engaged?  Why were they not outraged that that happened to someone else's little girl?
I've said this a lot lately, but we really need to figure out what empathy is, and then try as hard as we can to have it.