T-Minus 30 Days

Thirty days until I'm wheels up for Spain.  These will be thirty very busy days, because it's Lent, and because I'm not just popping off for a vacation.  I've got all sorts of little odds and ends to get prepared so that things will run smoothly in my absence: little prayers to write, Calls to Worship and hymn selections for six Sundays.  I've got preachers lined up, I've got the support of my congregation, I'm going to make sure that as many of the details are in place as I can... and then I'm going to go.
And I'm going to have to deal with the reality that life will go right on without me.
I have been through the phase where I worried about everything that could go wrong, but now I'm in the phase where I wonder: if I'm really that expendable.  Lots of "forward thinkers" in the church-y world are saying that salaried clergy are becoming an anachronism, that the church of the future needs to be more open to different gifts and less rigid.  "Churches are shrinking," they say, "the Pastor's salary is often the biggest line item in the budget," they say, "maybe we should be trying to help the poor instead of supporting one person's career as a professional church-person."
Sometimes it reminds me of a scene in American Beauty where Kevin Spacey's character is asked to justify his job, to explain what he does so that he won't be fired.  The result is... well... wonderful, but not the sort of thing I'm going to link to here, you know because of the whole NSFW aspect of the interweb, but if you're resourceful, you can find it on youtube.
The funny thing is that this sort of sentiment comes from pundits (yes the church has those too), and it neglects to consider the fact that institutional maintenance, while tedious, is necessary.  And it neglects to consider that the majority of the people in normal churches are not really theologians, which is okay, the world probably has enough theologians as it is, but that the church does need at least a few, you know for highly esoteric functions like trying to root our current practice with a two thousand year old tradition that needs us to stay alive, and like trying to formulate a vision for the rather eclectic collection of human beings that make up our congregation that involves more than just doing the same thing over and over again.
I think at some point, most pastors have this fear of being found out, not for some deep, dark and sordid secret, but for simply being unnecessary.  These church pundits are not helping.  Want to know if your pastor has this fear? Watch them, are they over-functioning (this means do they have their hand in everything)?  Are they obsessive about making sure everything is just so?  Do they "need to know" about every little sniffle and outpatient procedure?  Do they seem like they're sort of constantly on the edge of burning out?
Now ask yourself, do you want them that way?
Be honest, you probably do.  Because you know how much they get paid, and you wonder if they're worth it.  And if they're busy, and if they're "on top of things," and if the institution of the church runs like a well oiled machine and if complaints are sort of down to a dull roar, and if their sermons are inspiring and not too long, and if they have neat ideas about how to "get people involved," well then they're doing their job, and you're getting your money's worth.
Church, I know it sounds harsh when you say it like this.  I'm sorry, it is harsh, but it's something we all need to hear, clergy and congregations alike.  I phrase it like this, not as an accusation against the people in churches, because you're probably even now getting defensive and saying, "that's not how we are at all!"  I know, that's not how you mean it, but it is how it sounds when your pastor hears your grumbling through the filter of, their own insecurities, their own doubts about their call and their abilities.
I know this because it is a fear I have had to wrestle with in deciding to take a 40 day trip to Spain.
Can I just up and leave?
Do I want to let them see how well they'll get along without me?
Can I admit that I am really that expendable?
I want to be absolutely clear on this to non-GSPC readers, this congregation, especially the Session has been absolutely supportive of my little adventure.  I didn't have to assuage their fears, they said, "Go for it," from the very beginning.  I have had to deal with my own uncertainty about the magnitude of the absence.  I have had to fight off the demons of over-function and control issues.
Surprisingly (though perhaps only to me) the congregation has been quick to see the value of this journey.  They see how this is going to help me be a healthier in the long run, and I suppose they know that a healthy pastor is better than one on the verge of burnout.  One who has a vision and engages the journey is better than one who is constantly battling their own insecurity.  I think it's helping me already.
Somebody actually told me, "this seems like exactly the sort of thing a Pastor needs to do from time to time."  They said it in a context of sort of amazement at the distance, and peculiarity of simply leaving everything for over a month.  Moments like that, where an awareness of what the church is really about: being on a journey together and appreciating that there different parts and different inspirations and different calls, goes a long way to making more sense out of all the static.
That is the astounding truth and beauty of the church: we can be grumblers and complainers for sure, but every once in a while we see the light, and we are the light.